It was really shocking for me to get cut from The Search For The Next Pussycat Doll. I was really surprised because, on the last show, ironically, I gave one of my best performances with my rendition of the Norah Jones song. I felt like I nailed the singing, I nailed the dancing-At the end of the day, I know in my heart I did my best.

I started coming to the realization that this is a TV show, not just another competition. For whatever reason, producers have to make strategic calls and I guess in the end, I felt like my story line wasn't as strong as Chelsea's [2] was, so that's why they kept her and said goodbye to me.

In every reality show, you have the victim, the underdog, and the girl you think will get kicked off in the first show. But as it goes on, she gets better and better, and people start asking, "Okay, where's she going to go?" Throughout the series, producers played up the fact that Chelsea wasn't a trained dancer like the rest of us. But it was so funny because all the girls used to joke, "Chelsea, we know you really can dance; you're just faking it, and one day you're going to pull it out of your hat." In all of our interviews, at least one of us would tease her about it, but they never aired that. All along I did believe that the girl they chose would have to be a strong dancer.

The Pussycat Dolls [3] were one of the first girl groups that could actually really dance and they're just incredibly fearless and entertaining to watch. All around, they needed someone who's a strong singer, a strong dancer, someone who believes in themselves and has the confidence to just really go for it. As the world saw recently, Asia was chosen, and I do think she'll have what it takes.

*****

My cousin in Canada was the one who first brought The Pussycat Dolls reality show audition to my attention. I was a bit hesitant at first. I'd already done one reality show - Making The Band with P.Diddy - and I didn't really know if I wanted to get involved in something like that again. But then I realized that I had to go for it. The music industry is a tough business, and I knew I had to take this opportunity to try to break through.

It turned out I wasn't able to go to the open audition call, so I had to send in a demo tape. I was very surprised to learn that someone really does watch those things. I ended up getting a call back. I had had so much trouble with that frickin tape! The tape was due that day, the mail center was closed - everything that could have possibly go wrong, went wrong for me. But I just decided I was going to find a way, no matter what. I was going to drive down to Santa Monica and put it in their back door, even if they were closed. That way I'd know I did everything I could to make it happen. And you just never know, so you have to try.

*****

For me, reality TV was a way to get myself out there, but I don't think of myself as a reality celebrity. How you're perceived all depends on what kind of show you're on. Shows like Road Rules or Real World are entertaining, but they don't actually achieve anything, besides showing a bunch of people partying. I wanted to be part of something that showcased my talent, so that's what I did. I feel like our show was different, because we weren't just a bunch of random girls living in a house. We were actually fighting for something we believed in.

As a performer, we all had good days and bad days, and we had our days for all the world to see. We were so exposed and vulnerable. It's a really weird thing to know that everyone is watching, all the time. But at the same time, if you do have a bad day, everyone's feeling for you, so it's both good and bad.

Living in reality TV took some getting used to. When I did Making The Band, I was totally weirded out and felt strange around the camera for almost two weeks. I was waking up with a camera, going to bed with a camera, having the camera follow me around when I brushed my teeth. I was like, "Can I please get some privacy?" By the time I did the Pussycat Dolls show, it wasn't even a big deal to me at all. I think some of the girls may have felt intimidated that I'd had that experience already or maybe thought I loved the camera, when in reality I was just being myself.

One weird thing about the house was definitely the "Bat Phone" - it's this phone we used to call up production, which was basically operating in the room next door to us. There were dry erase boards on the wall, which would give us little instructions for how to develop the storyline. Production was constantly watching us like a hawk, examining every move we made. It is a very weird thing-I don't think I'd ever get involved in another reality show unless I was able to have more control over production.

I was talking to Anastacia [4] the other day, and she said that the editing made me look like a complete bitch. I could barely even watch the last two episodes. They didn't show me for who I really am. Every reality show needs drama. To me, it almost seemed tacky. Did they really have to go that far? The show painted it like I was trying to undermine Chelsea every step of the way. It never showed me trying to help her. I helped her for an hour with her choreography one day, and the producers took me upstairs and asked, "Why did you help Chelsea? She's your competition."

I responded with, "Why would I help Chelsea?" and then went on to elaborate, but they only showed the first part, so it sounded really bad. It kind of made me sick to watch. I really wish they would have shown me for who I really am. Everything else was fine up until the last two episodes.

In fact, Chelsea and I were friends. I was friends with everyone on the show, but I got especially close to Asia [5] and Melissa R. [6] We had such a great time. At the end, you could tell that I was really going to miss them all. We really bonded; we'd been living together for a month a half at that point. It was really weird to have to say goodbye and not to wake up to rehearsal, singing, dancing-that was what I loved about it - We were really living our dream.

The producers played up some of the other girls' insecurities, whereas they didn't really do that with me. But I absolutely struggled like the other girls. It didn't matter if I had a good performance or a bad performance; they always put me in the "bottom two" every other episode, which was a roller coaster for me mentally and emotionally. It kind of sent me mixed messages, but in the end, in the reality TV "bubble," as you could call it, nothing is rational. No one is for you; everyone is against you. It's really challenging to maintain your confidence in that kind of environment.

At the beginning, they were really trying to push the sexy thing on me. They kept saying, "I want you to get out of your shell; I want to see something different." They said they wanted to see a different side of sexy and told me I was too "girl next door." I kind of felt like I am both - I'm girl next door AND sexy, which is a great combination. Sexiness comes from within and you can't have anyone force it on you. I just thought, I am what I am, and at the end of the day if I'm not giving them what they want, I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not.

But it was the judges' job to critique our performances, so we had to take it with a grain of salt. I absolutely loved Lil' Kim. She's so down-to-earth and could put a lot of things in perspective because she's been there. She's had her share of ups and downs in her career too, so she really helped us with some good advice.

The Pussycat Dolls creator Robin Antin is just an awesome lady, and her and I are friends even today. She was definitely the mother figure on the show. You couldn't get a feel for what she was really like because of the way the show portrayed her, because she's incredibly warm and loving, and that didn't always come across. When I look at her, I think, "Wow, she's so successful." She went after her dreams and made it happen. She created The Pussycat Dolls from scratch; it was her baby. Back in the day, she was a Pussycat Doll in the burlesque shows. She's a great role model because she definitely has that business-savvy thing going on. She's one of those people who will probably continue to be in our lives and help me navigate my career.

Ron Fair has a very serious type personality. He's all business. In one episode he said I had this "Las Vegas, white trashy thing" going on that he liked. That kind of came out of the blue-I talked to Anastacia about that and we were both like, "What the hell?"

I'm definitely not "white trash" at all, and I think it's such a rude comment to make about anyone. I won one challenge with him when we went to his studio to sing the Don't Cha song. He really liked my voice while we were recording. I think it was that we were in his element, so his guard was down. That was the Ron Fair that I really enjoyed. He's a very powerful man - he's done a lot in the music industry, and so it was good to have him involved in this show. At the same time, I think they portrayed him as a Simon Cowell. There seems to need to be one in every single reality TV competition.

In the magic of editing, some of the critiques and comments of the judges didn't even match up to the people they were saying them to. When I sang the Norah Jones song right before I was eliminated, they told me I sounded just like her. I didn't get a single bad comment. If they showed that and then showed me getting kicked off, it didn't really match up, so they edited it to match the storyline.

Mark McGrath was a really great host and he's really good at what he does. I just loved him. We'd have fun with him on the set. We didn't hang out with him a lot, but he was always fun to chat with and was one of those people that made the whole experience worthwhile.

I'm not the next Pussycat Doll, but I'm still going to go on, being the powerhouse that I am. I'm going to keep recording, I'm going to keep myself in vocal lessons and just keep going, because I feel like I can make it. One day, my time will come.

*****

Visit Melissa's Official Website [7]

Visit Melissa's MySpace [8]

Visit Josh Williams Photography website [9]

Search For The Next Pussycat Doll photos courtesy of CWTV.com [10]