The Name Of The Game Is Lame

Do you hate your name?

Do you wish your parents had named you Brad or Jessica instead of Lesley or Letitia?

Whatever the travesty pinned on you for life, it can’t be as bad as Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii, which was a real name for a real 9-year-old girl in New Zealand, at least until a judge stepped in a few days ago and made her a ward of the court.

Presumably, the government will change her name to Emily and she will no longer have to skulk around, avoiding the pressure to do the hula on demand, while referring to herself cryptically as K.

Emily, by the way, is the most popular girl’s name the last 11 years in a row, according to the Social Security administration.

You have to wonder what goes through the minds of parents, as they gaze lovingly into the unfocused eyes of their little bundle of joy, and decide to name her Talula, etc. or …Apple… the name of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s daughter. Or how about Sage Moonblood, Sylvester Stallone’s heir apparent? Sufferin’ succotash!

The celebrity class has more than its share of attention-deficit-disordered narcissists, who can’t see beyond their rose-colored Ray-bans. So they really don’t get that Fifi Trixiebelle, Peaches, and Pixie (Bob Geldof’s offspring) may have a rougher road in life than Emily, Isabella or Emma (the top three girls' names in 2007).

And it doesn’t matter if the kids themselves make course adjustments as soon as they are able – such as Zowie Bowie, rock star David’s benighted child, who changed his name to Joe Jones in public school. The road through life is littered with birth certificates, roll calls, driver’s licenses and other official reminders your parents were on crack when they named you.

It also doesn’t matter if you try for the opposite effect. When our children were born, we were determined to provide our kids with hassle-free names so they could cope more readily with the concrete jungle. The thanks we received from John and Ann growing up? None. “My name is so boooorrrrriiiiinnnng! Why couldn’t you call me Jennifer, Amanda or Jessica?” (the top three names of 1980).

Celebrities names have always been popular, so now we have to cope with millions of Britneys, all trying to emulate their, uh, role model. But it’s nothing new. The annals of naming are full of Chers, Brookes and, of course a spate of Jennifers, Courtneys and Lisas, everyone's three best imaginary Friends.

But you have to wonder what evil lurks in the hearts of the moms and pops who named their kids Tequila, Whisper, Genesis and Storm, just a few choice howlers taken from the annals of Michigan’s recent vital statistics.

Or the guy who named his son after a radio station in order to get a $100 gas card. I know gas is expensive, but sending someone down the road for life as KFEX is hardly a justification.

Then there’s James Willoughby, mother of four.

Then there’s the spate of class-conscious names. Of course, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re an escapee from the trailer park if your name is Cambridge and you’re a girl.

Then there are the people who name their kids and dog the same thing. You know there’s a problem when you call “Bailey” and four golden retrievers answer the call before your daughter.

And why do people saddle their baby boys with the names of biblical patriarchs? I mean, Spanish-speaking parents go for the gusto and name their boys after the baby Jesus with reckless abandon. But English-speaking parents have to be more…Old Testament? So we’ve got Ethan and Jacob and Joshua and Daniel. I guess if they were good enough 4,000 years ago, they’re good enough in 2008.

There’s really nothing new about this – documents from 18th century North Carolina registries reveal that parental malfeasance was rampant 250 years ago: Sticker and Bum? And of course, the old country remains the seat of all name-calling tomfoolery. A recent book titled Potty, Fartwell and Knob list completely authentic nursery curses such as Page Turner, Norman Conquest and Nora Bone. Not to mention Hairy Face. But what do you expect from the birthplace of Thomas Crapper, the man who invented the toilet?

If you suffer from a lame name, tell us here. There’s always a possibility there’s someone out there who’s getting more grief than you, Pepsi or you Clinique or you, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Bob Geldof’s latest).